My Partner Wants Another Baby but I Don't
Partner wants another child, I don't - advise please.
(37 Posts)
Start postal service on here as a dad (I hope I'm allowed?) so treat me softly : )
I wanted a bit of advise from a broader anonymous audience, so I hope the kind folk of this site can help me. I have been together with my partner for thirteen years and accept been married for nine. We take two bang-up kids a male child and a girl (5 & 2). We take a great firm, family, friends, extended family and live in a great customs. We both work, savour our jobs and accept no real 'worries' about life.
When we see, I was not bothered about matrimony or children, my partner was. Over time it was more of import for my partner to become married than information technology was for me non to get married and later on all, all I wanted was for us to be happy, so we got married – which changed nothing.
Afterward a few years my partner became meaning (non planned) and we decided that this was every bit skillful a time as ever to start a family, we had a boy. I kind of wanted to stick at i, just my partner wanted some other and I could understand the various reasons why so we had little girl, which is fantastic.
Our family is lovely and I wouldn't get back for anything in the world, sure it's hard work, but it's bully. Not far later on our second was born my wife started discussing another child? I was happy with our nuclear family and call up we are incredibly lucky. We have many friends who have had MC, as nosotros take, or cannot conceive so experience very blessed nosotros have our two children.
Over the months my partner has kept on and on about having some other kid, I said I was quite adamant that I didn't want some other child and bar a hamster or two the family I idea our family was perfect. I even talked about having the snip, which she was totally against.
This has taken over our lives, neglecting the warmth and fun we should be having every bit a family unit and that nosotros should be having in our relationship. I tin 100% say I don't want some other kid and considering my thoughts pre matrimony, I think I have given quite a scrap. Once more I reiterate I wouldn't alter anything and glad I have my wonderful family unit, as I didn't realise how rewarding information technology could be.
I am quite active in our local community helping with summer festivals, school fetes etc, I also have a good network of friends and colleagues and encounter them regularly. I endeavor very difficult to spend time with my wife either out or cooking a meal and sitting down together, this oftentimes doesn't work out. I as well try and encourage her to come across more of her friends, locally and in other parts of the country; she has the support from me to do this and can become away for the evening or weekend and I tin can look after our children. I am here whenever she needs me.
I am an agile dad and play that role every bit much as possible, I do the morning shift, breakfast, get them dressed, take them to school/nuresery etc. My wife does the tardily afternoon shift and we share the bathing, evening meal duties. Having said that I would say my married woman is definitely the primary carer.
Am I being unreasonable, is my wife being unreasonable, how can we move forward on this? Whatsoever views would be gratefully received.
Many thanks
Proud Dad
counselling?
the desire for another child can be intensley and over whelmingly strong with no "logic" - the same as y'all are determined yous don't want another, your wife is adamant she does
this is 1 issue you cannot compromise on and then yous may need outside help
I wish I could assist; you lot sound as though you're both being entirely reasonable and just want dissimilar things. Did you talk at all most whatsoever of this early on in your human relationship? It sounds as though the marriage and the children just sort of happened rather than being a 'plan'; possibly your DW believes that having been happy with the other changes you hadn't predictable, you'd exist equally happy with some other kid. Maybe she'south right, but if y'all're not sure, that'south not worth gambling on. Apart from talking it through - which it sounds like you're doing plenty of - I don't know what to suggest. Unless yous think it'due south causing enough unhappiness for y'all to benefit from bringing in exterior arbitration, in which case retrieve that Relate is about solving apparently intractable issues like this merely as much as make or pause situations.
Can you put in to words why you don't want another one?
Having another one wouldn't detract from annihilation y'all describe you like doing or add together to the workload proportionately. Is it that or money or something else?
Information technology's not a question of beingness reasonable or unreasonable - you both want what you lot want. Would agree that maybe counselling is the way forward, considering as things stand whatsoever happens one person is going to be resentful...
Y'all sound lovely - assuming yous are telling the truth 
I think the desire for babies is different for men and women. Men are more rational generally (most this, non about everything!!) equally women do take that urge to make babies that even women with plenty of kids, who don't really want anymore, still have.
I assumed you were a woman before I opened this and my instict was 'you have to acquit the babies, y'all go to cull if you accept one' but that just actually applies in the contrary scenario to yours.
Ok, I'd say y'all are not being unreasonable, you take been articulate with her, you have budged on certain things to make her happy, but you lot are cartoon the line at 2 kids. Fair enough.
Merely...2 kids would not exist plenty for me (I mean past choice) and I want 3. DH would prefer ii but we talked about it a long time ago - departure was he was always up for having children so we could have the convo before we got serious - and he has always known I desire 3.
It'southward hard, I'd say you lot should try counselling if it's affecting your matrimony. Did you say whether your wife works? That might have a begetting on things - if she doesn't, could she start? Or if she's doing something she doesn't love, how nigh looking for something more stimulating? Further study?
I'm intrigued with the flipping betwixt referring to her every bit your partner and and then wife and so partner - usually people merely stick to one....
Hmmm. It'due south very difficult when your babe starts growing upwardly ... there is this urge to take another so y'all can have those 0-three years all over over again ... merely then rationality kicks in and I realise that for me, 2 is perfect.
I suggest counselling as no idea how you resolve this one.
This chip of your post concerns me slightly though: "I am quite active in our local community helping with summertime festivals, school fetes etc, I also accept a good network of friends and colleagues and see them regularly. I effort very difficult to spend time with my married woman either out or cooking a meal and sitting downward together, this oft doesn't work out. I also try and encourage her to see more of her friends, locally and in other parts of the country; she has the support from me to practice this and can get away for the evening or weekend and I can look after our children. I am here whenever she needs me."
Kind of sounds like y'all are 2 individuals sharing the responsibilities of child-rearing. I know when you suspension it down that is true, but it simply sounds a little scrap similar your wife is something you fit in to your life forth with PTA meetings and evenings at your friends' houses.
Maybe he nonetheless thinks of her equally a partner - I feel my DH is more a partner than a hubby, perhaps that sounds weird but I oftentimes say my partner to people that don't know united states of america. I don't mean he's less than a husband or anything, only partner seems to fit my feelings more. 2 years in I still feel a chip funny saying husband 
Hold with wishingchair. Not certain why I feel uneasy over that office of your mail service.
Practice yous recollect your married woman feels you don't spend plenty time with her?
Perchance you experience uneasy because he'southward a man???
I don't see whatsoever reason to recall the OP sees his wife every bit someone to fit in with his life, he just seems to want her to have a social life and some interests exterior the home? Why should he experience guilty for having an active role in the customs? (and it's not like he said 'I like to get pissed with my mates 4 times a calendar week, and encourage my wife to do the same' is information technology?)
Perhaps he feels that if she had more than goig on she might not be fixated on having another baby? Could be a incorrect but it seems innocuous to me.
Nothing near him being a man FFS. Merely that it was written in a kind of detached way.
Actually I read that paragraph every bit him saying because he does all it makes him a expert married man and and so it justifies his opinion of stikcing at ii. Whether he does or doesn't do all that stuff is irrelevant. The dilemma is however in that location.
I think the op needs to analyze exactly why he doesn't want any more. What does he think will happen if in that location is a 3rd dc, and why would a 3rd one be such a bad thing. Similarly his dp needs to clarify exactly why a 3rd would be a adept affair, although equally a female a lot of that is only down to overwhelming desire - nature has a lot to answer for!
Kat I felt weird saying husband for a few years myself and I agree his comments seem fine to me also
Cheers for your comments, it gives u.s. something to chew on and gives me a broader perspective on the result. Sometimes opinions between ane another can go so polarised.
My family is a priority, that doesn't mean we cannot savor aspects of life that don't involve our children or each other, the vast bulk of the time information technology does.
I don't desire another child every bit I feel my family is slap-up the fashion information technology is and to be frank I think information technology'll be very hard, financially, physically and emotionally. Why stop at three, four, five? We both piece of work very difficult, I run my own small company, my wife works four days a week and it is tough at times, as information technology is for everyone else.
Sure I don't have the natural urge to take more than, I'm just grateful of what I have and want to carry on enjoying it. From my perspective some people ever look at what they don't take instead of what they practise, which could be applicable to anything of form.
@ wishingchair & Uriel:
I am at home most evenings and weekends with my family although I practise help out in customs affairs (every bit does my partner) I feel nosotros benefit equally a family because of our shut, active and involved community. I am out maybe two evenings a week, after the children are in bed. I exercise not recall that is farthermost? inappreciably a peak socialite : )
Only out of interest is in that location any etiquette for using wife/partner in the same text? I utilize both all the time?
Did you say your wife had a mc? When was that? Was it before or after your two children? Just wondering if that is a factor for her.
OH
Inbetween, but nosotros supported each other equally it was a tough few months.
I actually see where you are coming from. My DH was actually happy at two and didn't want any more (nosotros also have a boy and a girl)but i wanted a third.. I eventually agreed as I felt it was more of import for me to give upward my urge than force the issue and accept my DH resenting me and a poor unsuspecting baby. I was so angry at DH and I tin't exist certain that over time it wouldn't have caused impairment to our relationship.
This was all turned on information technology's caput when I vicious pregnant by accident (genuinely!! He was there when I took the MAP which failed to work!!). HE suggested that nosotros shouldn't accept the baby only I couldn't have always forgiven him if he had pushed that. We now accept an 8 week quondam and it'southward encarmine difficult. I love baby to pieces but really practise wish I had stuck with two!! I'm certain that DH feels the same but I'm likewise certain that in a years fourth dimension nosotros won't be able to contemplate life without her.
I wish you both well and agree that counselling is the only way forward. One of you is going to have to give in to the other which could lead to terrible resentment.
In the meantime, be conscientious...
We take 3 children. Life is quite hard in lots of ways - very tiring and expensive. The kids are cracking. There's really no reason why we should accept some other but I have a trivial want to be significant again, give birth again, have a scrunchy newborn again. And it's too so lovely having that close relationship with these fabulous little people that I quite like the idea of adding one more than. That said, I wait that nosotros won't, equally nosotros want a few years on an even keel, but the feelings are there for sure and I understand your wife. These things aren't logical. You lot should take counselling as it will help your relationahip to air your views constructively. Have you asked her to go into the details of why and really listed properly, or do you just cut her off with a 'no' if it comes upward?
The one matter i noticed was that the op said he had offered to take the snip. In all the "I desire another baby and he doesn't" threads the advice has always been to tell your husband that if he doesn't want another babe then he should be responsible for the contraception.
I retrieve that offering to take the snip is a pretty stiff indication of non wanting another baby tbh, and I also think that there is a lot of truth in being thankful for the things you lot take rather than constantly striving for the things you lot don't.
Familyguy, I tin't offering any advice, I'g agape, we are having the aforementioned dilemma in this firm! We too have a daughter and a boy and are both decorated people with work, hobbies, community things.
My hubby is happy to stop at what we take in an 'If it ain't broke' kind if a way. In many, many means I think he's correct. Married man says: 'I've but got my wife dorsum and I don't want to lose you lot to another pregnancy and newborn'. It's fair to say, I'm hard work when pregnant and also adequately neurotic and over-dramatic when things are tough (east.1000. when there'south a newborn in the business firm!). I can totally see why he doesn't desire any more than children. Our two are lovely and have a great relationship. I'd hate to upset the balance.
And notwithstanding I sometimes yearn for some other baby. I want to give nascency once more and breast feed again (volition probably be stopping BFing my son before long and that makes me deplorable). My children are growing up too quickly and it makes me experience old. None of which are very skillful reasons for having another child and then I am currently in agreement with my husband but I can't hope I won't change my mind over again!
Just wondered if it might be worth helping your married woman examine her reasons for wanting another child. It might be that she doesn't have reasons as such, only a strong urge, in which instance there'due south non much debate to be had. Counselling seems a good idea for you both.
BFG - and then right! Someone once said to me: the secret of happiness is wanting what you accept, non having want yous desire.
Well TBH I think you sound incredibly reasonable, reasoned and thoughtful. Which of course helps non a jot in the confront of the maternal instinct and a woman's urge to have another baby, which is why you are in this dilemma. Let's face information technology, about other issues in your lives/marriage (exercise we go abroad for our hiolidays this year? Shall we buy a new car? Shall I have a boob job? What school shall the kids nourish?) would exist resolvable with the kind of attitude you have adopted here - looking at it from both sides, beingness pragmatic and logical, reasons for and confronting etc. I admire your attitude to be honest.
However, it is an emotional issue that logic cannot solve. I am in the same boat equally your wife. I work four days a week. My husband works full fourth dimension. We accept two children already nearly 3 and nearly 5. My married man was not overly neat on kids but at present woouldn't be without them, only admittedly 100% does non want whatsoever more than. For all the reasons you lot cite, life is easier, sleep is dorsum to normal, we have our lives back. But I still hanker later another.
I change my mind, inwardly, every day. I reason that all the "inconveniences" of a 3rd would exist short lived and put against the big picture of a bigger family, and the joy that tin bring would be outweighed. Merely none the less, life would go dramatically harder once again just when we have got information technology fairly cushti, and the prospect is scary....Take you got her to exercise a pro and con listing?
My blackness and white view on this:
I think both parties should want a baby earlier trying for one.
I think both parties should take the decency and respect to listen to each others views PROPERLY (with the pther person feeling that they are realy beingness listened to) and endeavour to understand the other persons position.
Each should allow the other to talk freely and openly about their wishes without their conversation beingness terminated or discarded until such a time every bit agreed by both of you.....
A date could be set where a last determination is made at some point a few weeks / months in the time to come?
"Why finish at 3, four, five?"
Is what you are worried nigh that your wife will want another afterward the third? Or are you lot g% against a third?
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